Dan In Real Life

So training camp is about to start, and the Cavaliers still haven't re-upped two of their best rotation players, Sasha Pavlovic and Anderson Varejao. The Pavlovic situation is ridiculous; after giving Damon Jones and Donyell Marshall solid money, and Larry Freaking Hughes a max-dollar deal, they don't want to pay decent money for a 24-year old athletic slasher who plays extremely good defense and shoots 40% from 3-point range. Pay him now, Danny.

The Varejao situation is a good deal more complicated; Varejao is a great defender and rebounder, runs the pick-and-roll effectively with LeBron, finds himself on the floor in crunch-time, and should absolutely be starting over Drew Gooden. However, his agent, Dan Fegan, is complicating matters by saying that he should be getting $10 million a year, using his restricted status to essentially play "chicken" with the Cavalier brass. (Some good reactions to the situation can be found at my site, MVN, by my colleagues Amar and James-James' column even features yelling in capital letters. I suggest reading it in a Stephen A. Smith voice.)

Fegan's had himself a big summer-he's Yi Jianlian's agent as well, and as we all know, Yi's holdout was bitter indeed, and nearly caused an international incident. We of the G-State faithful fondly remember Fegan as the guy who orchestrated Mike Dunleavy, Troy Murphy, and Jason Richardson's ridiculous contracts, and made Gilbert Arenas leave town by preying on his insecurity and making him believe that the Warriors had disrespected him by drafting him in the second round and by allowing Earl Boykins to take minutes from him in the best year of Boykins' career, leading him to sign with the Wizards instead of staying with the Warriors an extra year to get a Bird-rules contract. (Wondering why Yi to the Warriors never ended up materializing? There's as good a reason as any-can't imagine the Warriors brass is anxious to deal with Fegan again, ever.)

Here's Dan Fegan's full current client list:

Shandon Anderson (worthless)
Ruben Patterson (shuffled from the Bucks to the Clippers this off-season)
Austin Croshere (playing out the string with the Warriors)
Erick Dampier (An overpaid albatross for Dallas)
Howard Eisley (worthless)
Reggie Evans (just traded)
Dermarr Johnson (worthless)
Shawn Marion (Demanding a trade with a max-dollar deal, and seems to feel overlooked and under-appreciated just like Gilbert did in Golden State-hmm.)
Troy Murphy (traded in a salary dump)
Eduardo Najera (Making 5 millon dollars to do nothing for the Nuggets)
Nene (Making 10 mill a year over the next 5 years for the Nuggets)
Jason Richardson (Traded in a salary dump)
Ricky Sanchez (I don't even know who that is)
Anderson Varejao (See above)
Earl Watson (Making $18 millon over the next 3 years to ride the bench for the Sonics)
Jason Terry (Subject of trade rumors due to his salary)
Stephen Jackson (Traded in a crazy dump)
Yi Jianlian (Almost caused World War 3)

Here's the thing: With the possible exception of Jason Terry, not one team has signed a long-term deal with a Ferry client and ended up happy about it when the deal was up. Not one. I'm uncomfortable giving Dan Fegan strategy advice for the simple reason that he's a lot smarter than I am; in a world where most of the literati went to college for a little and spent most of their time there playing basketball, Fegan is a graduate of Yale Law. I'm a pre-law freshman. He's using strategies that I've never even heard of. That being said, I will say this; You can shear a sheep many times, but you can only skin him once. (Do they teach Rounders quotes at Yale Law? I think not.) With Dampier, Dunleavy, Murphy, and Nene, Fegan has skinned the sheep; team's aren't going to give 8 figures to his clients out of sheer respect for their potential anymore. For all Anderson's talent and accomplishments, he hasn't proven himself a $10 million player yet, and the Cavs aren't going to be fooled by Fegan's game.

Of course, all this thinking about the Fegan effect got me to thinking about what it would be like if Dan Fegan was my agent, not just for my writing (I'd probably be demanding $50,000 a year from MVN, approximately $50,000 more than what I'm making independently), but for my everyday life. Without further ado:

(I walk into my college interview with Fegan.)

Admissions lady: Hi, John.

Fegan: Look, my client would be a great fit for your school. He's got a 3.6 GPA and sky-high board scores. You should accept him immediately.

Admissions lady: His numbers are certainly solid, but they're not overwhelming; I'm not sure I can guarantee an admission right now, because we have a lot of applicants with similar, if not better, numbers.

Fegan: Look, Jeaneanne.

Admissions Lady: My name's not...

Fegan: Jeaneanne, we both know there's a lot more to a student than his GPA, essay, extra-curriculars, and looks.

Me: My looks?

Fegan: Those SAT scores show unbelievable potential, and you don't want that potential going anywhere else. Also, John brings great intangibles to the table; he's going to do the little things at your college you won't find anywhere else. They might not show up on the stat sheet, but where else will you find a guy with the kind of hustle to make up to 15 calls on a Friday night to find a party? Also, these advanced numbers show a 5:1 ratio of politely helping drunk girls get home to accidentally hooking up with them. He really likes Kanye West. He's had limited opportunities, but he's come through when he's gotten them. These numbers project to big things for your university in the future.

Admissions lady: What the hell are you talking about?

Fegan: Additionally, the admissions of my previous clients with numbers like these show that John's clearly earned admission into this university. (Hands her list.)

Admissions lady: Didn't the last client of yours we let in post a .3 GPA and stab a guy?

Fegan: That was the past. The past has no relevance here.

Admissions lady: But you just said...

Fegan: The deal is on the table. Take it or leave it.

Admissions lady: Fine. You're in.

Fegan: Good. Now that we've established that he's got a non-transferable spot here, we demand a full scholarship.

Admissions lady: What? No way.

Fegan: Give us the scholarship, or we walk. John's perfectly willing to go to junior college for a year if we can't get a deal done.

Me: I am?

Admissions lady: We'll think about it.

(Three months later, talking with Fegan.)

Me: Hey, I ended up getting the scholarship, but I ended up missing the first three weeks of school because of my holdout, and I got stuck in the dorm they usually reserve for students categorized as "unstable." Also, I think they put pictures of me up in the faculty lounge, and my professors keep putting my papers in the shredder.

Fegan: Fitting in and thriving where you are is okay, but what's really important is that we got more money. Because I get 3% of that money.

(Four Months Later, eating lunch.)

Fegan: Hello, John.

Me: How did you know I'd be eating lunch here?

Fegan: I went to Yale Law.

Me: Okay.

Fegan: How is everything going with you?

Me: Pretty well. I've started to turn it around in class, and I'm actually seeing a really nice girl who I like a lot.

Fegan: That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Me: You want to talk to me about my girlfriend?

Fegan: Yes, I believe she's undervaluing you. It looks here like you're calling her three times for every time she's calling you. Additionally, you've ended up paying for 90% of all dinners and knick-knacks, and she made you stop smoking, all for a woefully low sexual output.

Me: How long have you been following me for?

Fegan: Additionally, it looks like she's been canceling dinners with you to go to study sessions recently.

Me: She has mid-terms coming up.

Fegan: So now you're behind mid-terms in the rotation? Jesus. John, I'm going to be straight with you, because I'm your friend and have a 3% share in your happiness. You need to opt-out of this relationship. You could do fantastically on the open market. Now, I can't tell you who from, but there is interest in you, and I have several available women who would be ready to be completely obsessed with you.

Me: You mean the one with the hair?

Fegan: John, you've been a second banana for too long. Would you rather be a contributor to a good relationship or be the star of a disastrous one? Trust me on this one.

Me: Okay.

(Some time later. I'm at a party.)

Fegan: Johnny boy!

Me: How did you get in here?

Fegan: I got the guy at the door a guaranteed contract with the Bobcats.

Me: What do you want?

Fegan: I'm here as your agent. I saw you've been calling a girl for the last couple of weeks, and decided I'd help you in your negotiations so that I can get my 3%.

John: What does that even mean?

Fegan: Come over here, miss.

Girl: Hi. Who are you?

Fegan: I'm about to be 3% of your boyfriend. These negotiations between you and my client have dragged on for far too long. It's time we worked something out.

Girl: Well, John's a nice guy. I'd go to dinner with you tomorrow night.

Me: Great!

Fegan: I'm sorry, but that's a low-ball offer. Looking at past dating histories of my clients, the value of a 5-8 vaguely semetic writer with blue eyes has been clearly established as a 3-month binding sexual contract. Those are the terms of the deal; if you don't like it, there are other interested parties.

Me: Dan, there aren't really a lot of...

Girl: I'm not really sure I'm willing to commit to that right now. I'd make out with you tonight, but...

Me: Jesus Christ Dan, take the deal!

Fegan: Sorry, but the terms of the deal are non-negotiable. If you don't like it, John is perfectly willing to date men for the semester.

Me: Dan, this bluffing thing has gone way too far!

Girl: Sorry, I can't do it. Never talk to me again.

Me: What the hell, Dan!

Fegan: Well, you can't win em' all. I'd stay and chat, but I don't care about you. There's a party at the rainbow house in an hour. (Walks over to Joe McKnight.)

Fegan: Joe! Dan Fegan. You're a great player. What are you doing at the bottom of the depth chart? I can tell you right now, there are schools who would be interested in your talents.

The Off-Season Adventures of the Cleveland Cavaliers: Danny Ferry's Desk

Danny Ferry(Wearing a shirt that says "We were not in a position to offer Ray Allen or Michael Redd a max-dollar deal" on one side and "We did not have the assets necessary to complete a sign-and-trade for Joe Johnson" on the other side): Crap, I really have to make a move this off-season. Everyone's getting up my ass, and I have to improve this team. I better get on the phone. (Calls Kings GM Geoff Petrie)

Ferry: Hey Geoff, it's Danny.

Petrie: Hi, Danny.

Ferry: So anyways, we'd really like to get Mike Bibby on our team. He can run an offense and shoot from outside, two things our offense has been sorely lacking, and he could really make a difference on our team.

Petrie: Well, he's not untouchable; he's got a huge contract, and he's been getting worse the last few years. What can you offer me?

Ferry: This is hard for me to do, but I'm willing to offer you Drew Gooden.

Petrie: You want to essentially trade a point guard who scored 17 points per game in an off-year for a power forward who averaged 11 points in a career year straight-up?

Ferry: That's right, I am actually prepared to offer you this deal. And Drew's only on the hook for $14 million dollars over the next two years. Financial freedom, thy name is Gooden.

Petrie: I'm not sure. Drew's pretty light-skinned, but with him, Kevin Martin, and Ron Artest, we'd be starting the equivalent of two black players per game. That flies in the face of our organizational policies.

Ferry: Drew plays the piano.

Petrie: Hmm. That is good. Still, I worry about his consistency. For a big man, he shoots a pretty low percentage, he regularly follows up 8-11 games with 3-14 games, and he shot 44% for the entirety of December and February.

Ferry: Well, don't worry about that. We asked him what the problem was then, and he explained that he's from the Bay Area, and he couldn't function well in the colder months.

Petrie: He doesn't like the cold?

Ferry: Sort of. In his words, his Spirit Cougar has to hibernate during the colder months, which makes it tougher for him to hit the basket. That's just common sense. But you guys are in California, so you won't have that problem!

Petrie: That does make sense, although I can't help but worry about how his spirit cougar will interact with Ron Artest's invisible bipolar leprechaun mentor.

Ferry: Look, you guys need interior scoring, defense, and rebounding. Drew provides all of those things.

Petrie: I'm not sure about that. I was looking at game film of Drew,

Ferry: (Expletive)

Petrie: Anyways, Drew can rebound, but he never posts up, and is one of the worst defensive players I've ever seen.

Ferry: Drew's very good at defending people right in front of him, but you can't expect a big man to be able to defend the entire paint all by himself. He's not The Flash, Geoff.

Petrie: You're preaching to the choir here, Danny; as the guy who employs Brad Miller and Spencer Hawes, I couldn't agree with you more. But those guys are white. And not just white. Power white. The only reason Bibby's even available is because he has a posse. And I did just sign Mikki Moore, who led the league in field goal % last year, was the NBDL defensive player of the year, and rebounds at a decent clip. He's also borderline insane, so I just don't know what need we would have for Drew at this point. Sorry. I am sick of Ron Artest's attitude; what can you offer me for him?

Ferry: We're not interested. We already have a shooting guard who slashes to the rim, plays lock-down defense, and can shoot from the outside? Why would we want Ron Artest?

Petrie: Because he actually does do those things.

Ferry: Be that as it may, we don't like bad attitudes on this team. Good day. (Hangs up.)

Mike Brown: Don't worry. Bibby doesn't play defense, and we have no use for him. The Spurs, Suns, and Mavericks all start defensive liabilities at point guard, and look where it's gotten them. Besides, we don't need Bibby to make our offense work. I've got some new plays drawn up for this season, and believe me, we're going to light other teams up. They're not going to know what hit them when I bust out the "reverse motion" offense. Every defense in the league is designed to stop teams from getting to the basket, so they won't know what to do when Larry dishes it to LeBron running away from the basket at full-speed. (Grimaces happily.) Oh, and Anderson Varejao and his agent, Dan Fegan, are here to discuss his contract.

Ferry: Crap. Let them in.

Fegan: Hello, Danny.

Ferry: Burn in hell.

Fegan: Let's discuss Anderson's contract.

Ferry: I'm prepared to offer you an extension worth around 5-6 million dollars per year.

(Varejao instinctively falls out of his chair and crashes to the floor.)

Fegan: Not now, Andy. Look, it's pretty clear that Anderson is a franchise-type player. He's a young, athletic big man with a nose for the ball and a great motor. There are really no weaknesses in his game.

Ferry: He can't pass, shoot, handle the ball, score with his back to the basket, block shots, or guard big forwards.

Fegan: Don't try to swindle me, Danny. He runs the pick-and-roll with LeBron well. This isn't Ferry-world. My previous contracts have clearly established the value of a solid power forward in this league. Troy Murphy is making $10 million a year over the next 4 years, and Nene is making $10 million a year over the next 5 years. Nene is a Brazilian power forward; Anderson is a Brazilian power forward. That's called binding legal precedent.

Ferry: Well, I went to Duke, so I know you're full of crap with that big language. You're dealing with a guy with actual schooling.

Fegan: I went to Yale law.

Ferry: Oh. Well, be that as it may, Drew only makes $7 million dollars a year, and he's our starting power forward. Anderson is our backup power forward. I'm not paying a backup more than a starter. Checkmate.

Fegan: Well, I looked at the statistics,

Ferry: (Long string of expletives)

Fegan: And your team is a full 12 points per game better when Anderson is in for Drew, and he's on the floor in crunch-time of every game. There's really no valid reason why he isn't starting.

Ferry: Are you questioning the intelligence of my head coach?

(Mike Brown starts to exit the room in a huff, but instead of going straight to the door, he curls around the desk, walks over to the opposite wall, and eventually ends up walking into a flower pot before exiting the room.)

(Pause)

Ferry: Look, we just think you're overvaluing your client.

Fegan: Look, Dan-O, no team has ever been unhappy when they've signed one of my players. When was the last time you heard anyone regretting signing Troy Murphy, Erick Dampier, Shaun Marion, Earl Watson, Jason Terry, Stephen Jackson, Yi Jianlian, Jason Richardson, Austin Croshere, Ruben Patterson, Shandon Anderson, Reggie Evans, Dermarr Johnson, or Eduardo Najera to big contracts? None of those players have ever been completely ineffective, ended up getting traded in a contract dump, gotten an inflated ego because of me and demanded a trade, or nearly caused an international incident. I know you'll do the right thing.

Ferry: I don't much care for your fancy Big-10 logic, but it's pretty good. However, I think a team-crippling holdout situation is always better than overpaying a few million dollars. I believe that we have reached a stalemate.

Fegan: Later.

Ferry: I better make a trade. A big trade. (Picks up op-ed column that says the Cavs should trade for Shaun Marion, calls Suns GM Steve Kerr.)

Ferry: Hey, Steve.

Kerr: Hey, Danny.

Ferry: So I was seeing that Shaun Marion is unhappy over there in Phoenix.

Kerr: Yeah, he's being pretty sulky, which can happen after a heart-breaking playoff loss and a whole summer to sulk about it. But he's got a max-dollar deal, he's in the perfect situation, and I think once training camp starts up he'll see that we're serious about getting a championship now, which is something he won't find if he gets traded. I saw the same thing happen with Scottie Pippen back when I played for Chicago, and he had a contract dispute with an ownership that didn't appreciate him, so I think Shaun will come around sooner rather than later.

Ferry: Steve, you and I both know how ridiculous that sounds. Your only option is to trade him, and soon. And I just happen to have the perfect package in place.

Kerr: I'll give you five minutes because I'm a nice guy.

Ferry: Two words: Larry Hughes.

Kerr: What?

Ferry: He'd be perfect for the Suns. He doesn't work in our system because we play a half-court game, which is the only logical way to play when you have the best open-court player since Magic Johnson on your team. But you guys run-and-gun, which is perfect for Larry. He's an ultra-athletic slasher who can see the floor and run the court, and he'd be perfect in the Suns system. Also, you guys have some real problems defensively, and Larry's a stopper. Plus, I know how scared of the luxury tax you guys are, and Larry's only on the hook for $36 million over the next three years! So I'll send the paperwork over to your office, and you guys can start printing out jerseys.

Kerr: Hold on a second, Danny. I actually watch basketball,

Ferry: (5-minute string of unfiltered expletives in multiple languages)

Kerr: So I know that while Larry might have been a slasher earlier in his career, age and injuries have turned him into a jump shooter who looks for his own shot first, can't get to the basket consistently, has trouble finishing when he does, and doesn't have consistent 3-point range. Also, he's overrated defensively, and we have a much better defender in Raja Bell, not to mention that Shaun Marion might be the best defensive player in the league. I see no way that this trade would help us in any conceivable way.

Ferry: I can see how it might look that way at first. But think about it. Shaun can't create his own shot, and plays best when he's getting the ball cutting to the basket or for a spot-up shot, while Larry excels at creating his own shot-he can fire off a contested 20-footer at any time.

Kerr: We have the best point guard in the league, and our offense is based around him creating shots for other people. The only two players on your team I'd be interested in are Varejao, who rebounds, plays defense, and runs the court, but you guys didn't want to trade him when he was in the last year of his rookie deal, and I'm not paying $8 million for him now. But I do like that young Daniel Gibson; he's an athlete who can flat-out shoot, and we could always use a player like that so that Nash doesn't have to play 35 minutes a game 82 times a year.

Ferry: Slow down, Steve. We really like Daniel. He just exploded from relative obscurity to put up the best games of his life in the playoffs, exceeding all possible expectations of him. You never sell an asset when its value is really, really high. I didn't even need to go to business school to learn that. I am, however, willing to part with Drew Gooden.

Kerr: Never call me again.

(Sasha Pavlovic and his agent, Mark Goldstein, enter the room.)

Ferry: Hello, Mark.

Goldstein: Hi, Danny. Let's talk business. Sasha had a great year for you, he's still under the radar, and he's a great young piece for this franchise. We'd like a reasonable extension that would ensure that Sasha will spend his time with the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Ferry: Now how did the idea get in your head that we'd want to make any kind of significant effort to keep Sasha?

Goldstein: Well, he's your starting shooting guard, shot 45% from the field, 40% from 3-point range, and 80% from the line, and averaged a solid 14 points per game once he was made a starter. He's also the only player other than LeBron who can consistently get to the basket and finish, and he plays very solid defense.

Ferry: Meh. Sasha's good at making plays, but we already have LeBron to drive to the basket. There's no sense in having two players who can drive to the basket. We want to surround LeBron with shooters.

Goldstein: Sasha shot 40% from 3.

Ferry: Look, you can twist the facts all you want, but Sasha wasn't all that great for the entire first two thirds of the season.

Goldstein: Well, he was on the bench.

Ferry: Mike had his reasons for keeping him on the bench, and I have full faith in him.

Goldstein: Well, be that as it may, I don't see how you can judge my client on what he did before he had a chance to play, and I'm not sure he didn't deserve to get a chance earlier. It's impossible to make an impact from the bench.

Mike Brown(from other room): Not in the Reverse Motion offense!

(pause)

Goldstein: Sasha shot significantly higher percentages than Larry Hughes from the field, the 3-point line, and the free throw line, and played defense that was just as good as, if not better than, Larry's all season. The only thing Larry is better than Sasha at is shooting more, which really isn't all that impressive of a skill. You have no problem giving Larry $12 million a year, but you don't want to give Sasha $5 million?

Ferry: You're undervaluing Larry's contributions to this team. When we switched Larry to point guard, we had one of the best records in basketball.

Goldstein: That was also the first time the team was fully healthy and Sasha had a starting role. Isn't it possible that putting a good player into the starting lineup from the bench had more of an impact than making an ineffective shooting guard into an ineffective point guard?

Ferry: Look, this franchise is tight for cash. We can't just be throwing money around willy-nilly.

Goldstein: Didn't you just build a $25 million practice facility?

Ferry: That's important. We have treadmills that lower into water.

Goldstein: And you bought LeBron James a lion.

Ferry: LeBron likes lions. Look, Sasha doesn't have a lot of options here. He can take the peanuts or not play.

Goldstein: He'll play in Europe.

Ferry: That's ridiculous. Who would ever do something as petulant and selfish as that?

Goldstein: You.

Ferry: Okay. Sasha looks like a vampire. It creeps me out. I'll keep in touch.

(Sasha and Goldstein leave)

Ferry: Jesus, the world's gone mad. I can't get anything done. I couldn't even sign Alan Anderson. What we need is a shooter, a point guard, and a proven veteran, who can lead this team. But he'll need to be unhappy in his current situation; off-court troubles drive value way down. And he'll need to have GM even worse than me to trade him away. (Jumps up from desk, reaches for phone.)

Ferry: Hey, Isiah! It's me, Danny. How's the trial going? Good. Look, I've got a trade for you. How do you guys feel about Larry Hughes? I thought that's what you'd say-I think he'd be a great Knick too. Who do I want back? Well, that's kind of the interesting part. (pause) Do you still have sneakers that fit?

The Adventures of Mike and Flip

I've already sort of written this and put it on RCF, but I feel badly about not having a new post up yet(coming tomorrow), so I decided I'd put this up for you guys. Anyways, I was thinking about our needs this offseason and had a revelation:

1. Mike Brown is, as we all know, offensively challenged, and needs an assistant who can put in a better offense.

2. We need to improve our offense while remaining a slow-it-down, half-court team so that we can keep our defense intact, since it wins championships and all those things.

3. Flip Saunders is the best half-court offensive mind in the league.

4. Flip Saunders might not have a job next year, thanks to LeBron pulling 29 straight points out of thin air. If he misses just one more of those impossible shots, Flip probably would still have his job. I'm sure he'll never think about that again.

I was just getting into my daydream of the improbable-but-still cool mix of Mike (defensive master) Brown and Flip (offensive genius) Saunders when I realized that Mike Brown and Flip Saunders would be the most hilarious coaching tandem of all time. If we did end up with the Brown/Saunders tandem coaching us, we would also have to hire a 3rd coach, who would be a guy named Rick or Joe who would have the following qualifications: He watches basketball and is not a complete idiot. Seeing as to how both Flip and Brown are basketball's answer to Rain Man, this position would be crucial for in-game decision-making. Without a common sense coach, here's how I would imagine this marriage going:

(Game 5, NBA Finals. Thanks to Flip's brilliant offensive sets and Mike's defensive rotations, the Cavs are tied 2-2 with the Spurs, and the score lies at 96-96 heading into the final minute. Mike Brown calls 1 of the Cavs' remaining 2 timeouts.)

Mike: Okay, the game is tied. If we win this, we probably win the championship. This is an important time-out. In fact, I better make it a double. (goes over to official, takes last remaining time-out.)

LeBron: That was our last time-out. Now we can't set up a play for the rest of the game.

Mike: (grimaces)

Flip: I notice they've been loading up the strong side on LeBron. (looks up at clock, notices it's crunch-time.) Oh Jesus, I can't fail again. Please god, help me this one time.

Mike: It's okay, I've got some plays in my "motion" offense to deal with that. LeBron, catch the ball 30 feet away from the basket on the strong side, and hold it there. The defense will set up a double-team. When they do that, fire a skip pass to Z, who will be 20 feet away from the basket on the other side. When the defense rotates over to Z, he'll hand it to Eric Snow, who's been hiding behind Z-we'll take them by suprise. From there, he'll pump-fake and have a wide-open 22-footer with a hand in his face. Any questions?

Larry Hughes: I have a better play. When LeBron gets doubled, I'll stand 10 feet away from him at the 3-point line, pump-fake once, and get a contested 20-footer.

Mike: That is a great play.

LeBron: When was the last time you made that shot?

Larry: March 8, 2007.

Danny Ferry(wearing a T-shirt that says "I COULDN'T OFFER MICHAEL REDD OR RAY ALLEN MAX MONEY" on one side and "WE DID NOT HAVE THE ASSETS TO COMPLETE A SIGN-AND-TRADE FOR JOE JOHNSON"): Please, just sit down.

LeBron: Let's keep thinking.

Flip(chewing on own arm): If we use shooters to space the floor, it should give LeBron enough room to operate on a pick-and-roll and get to the hoop.

LeBron: That sounds good. Let's go out there with me, Donyell, Pavlovic, Boobie, and Andy.

Flip(pacing nervously): Wait...that's exactly who they'd EXPECT us to send out in this situation.

Mike: My thoughts exactly. Let's send out Zydrunas, Snow, Hughes, LeBron, and David Wesley. That's some good defense right there. God, I love defense. (Orgasmic Grimace)

Flip: When they get the ball, we should switch to zone. The zone is money. When I inherited the best defensive team in the NBA, I put in a lot of zone defenses. We might have given up more points, but they were the right kind of points-zone points. Also, we should put Marshall in to play defense on Duncan.

Mike: That makes no sense at all. I like it. How did you decide your rotations in Detroit?

Flip: Well, I gave Rasheed 35 minutes a game because he said he'd kill me. Chris Webber was our best scorer, so I didn't play him much. I put in Jason Maxiell a lot-he's only 6-7, but he can defend the paint because he's from Cincinatti. Lindsay Hunter has naked pictures of my wife and Larry Brown, so I give him crunch-time minutes. Chauncey is Mr. Big Shot, so I always play him in the clutch. Carlos Delfino is good, but he has stupid hair. That's why I couldn't take out Tayshaun all series, even though he may or may not have thrown the series. I play McDyess as much as I can, because he's slow. Flip Murray is a solid backup guard, so I don't play him. I'm the only Flip in this town. How dare he take my name? (sighs) My middle name is failure. (goes into fetal position)

Wesley(Coming from broadcast booth): I can defend Tony Parker. He likes to go to his right off a high screen, and I used to shut down Tiny Archibald. Holy christ, I am freaking ancient.

Flip: If I lose this game, my wife is going to make me sleep outside.

Damon Jones: You need shooters? Put Damon Jones in the game? Damon Jones will MAKE IT RAIN! Damon Jones should have won the 3-point contest. Damon Jones might not be in the top 10% in the NBA in 3-pointers made or 3-point percentage, and he might get more open looks than anyone in the league from 3, but that's because Damon Jones is TOO GOOD to make open 3s. But I can't be doin' that anymore. I play with my head. You see me psyche out Chris Webber that one time? He was gettin' ready to shoot a free throw, and Damon Jones put the routine on him, and it was like psychological warfare, like straight-up Hunt For Red October type-shit, and he was all like scared, but he made the free throw 'cause he was lucky, don't nobody make easy free throws when Damon Jones is in the house. Now I'm like a coach. A player-coach. Like Bill Russell up in here, 'cept I'm prettier and funnier. Damon Jones is the man. During halftime, I talked to that one guy from Entourage about gettin' a cameo, like Vince could be walkin' down the street, and I'd just drain a 3 from inside my Escalade, and Turtle would be like "Damn, it's Damon Jones, Player-Coach!", and then I'd go 1-on-1 with Eric, and I'd win, 'cause he's short, and then his girlfriend would be like "Damn, Damon Jones! You is hot!" That last part wouldn't even be in the script, but...(Dwayne Jones picks up Damon Jones, takes him outside of the huddle, and points him towards the water cooler. Damon continues to talk.)

LeBron: Anyways, here's what's going to happen. Andy, you're going to set a pick for me on the strong-side, and then roll hard to the bucket. If they double-trap, you're getting the pass. I NEED YOU TO ROLL HARD! (LeBron puts his finger in Andy's chest for emphasis, leading Andy to instinctively flop over the bench and into the 2nd row of the stands.) Donny, you'll be on the weak side. If I pass it to you, will you hit it?

Donny: Hellllll yes. Donny's always down for a blaze. Normally, I'd wait until the end of the game, or halftime, but I'm down for it during a timeout. Pollard hooked me up with some great stuff.

Drew Gooden: LeBron, more people are named James then are named LeBron. Your last name is more of a first name than your first name. Also, Sasha looks like a vampire.

Mike Brown(Breaks clipboard, puts on red pair of glasses to show anger, grimaces angrily): LISTEN UP! THE GAME IS ON THE LINE! TAKE THE GAME! We need a plan! Now, we can't just go out there, space the floor with shooters, and give the ball to LeBron!

Flip: (weeps softly)

LeBron: Wait, why don't we just do that?

(huddle breaks.)