Monday, August 6, 2007

The Adventures of Mike and Flip

I've already sort of written this and put it on RCF, but I feel badly about not having a new post up yet(coming tomorrow), so I decided I'd put this up for you guys. Anyways, I was thinking about our needs this offseason and had a revelation:

1. Mike Brown is, as we all know, offensively challenged, and needs an assistant who can put in a better offense.

2. We need to improve our offense while remaining a slow-it-down, half-court team so that we can keep our defense intact, since it wins championships and all those things.

3. Flip Saunders is the best half-court offensive mind in the league.

4. Flip Saunders might not have a job next year, thanks to LeBron pulling 29 straight points out of thin air. If he misses just one more of those impossible shots, Flip probably would still have his job. I'm sure he'll never think about that again.

I was just getting into my daydream of the improbable-but-still cool mix of Mike (defensive master) Brown and Flip (offensive genius) Saunders when I realized that Mike Brown and Flip Saunders would be the most hilarious coaching tandem of all time. If we did end up with the Brown/Saunders tandem coaching us, we would also have to hire a 3rd coach, who would be a guy named Rick or Joe who would have the following qualifications: He watches basketball and is not a complete idiot. Seeing as to how both Flip and Brown are basketball's answer to Rain Man, this position would be crucial for in-game decision-making. Without a common sense coach, here's how I would imagine this marriage going:

(Game 5, NBA Finals. Thanks to Flip's brilliant offensive sets and Mike's defensive rotations, the Cavs are tied 2-2 with the Spurs, and the score lies at 96-96 heading into the final minute. Mike Brown calls 1 of the Cavs' remaining 2 timeouts.)

Mike: Okay, the game is tied. If we win this, we probably win the championship. This is an important time-out. In fact, I better make it a double. (goes over to official, takes last remaining time-out.)

LeBron: That was our last time-out. Now we can't set up a play for the rest of the game.

Mike: (grimaces)

Flip: I notice they've been loading up the strong side on LeBron. (looks up at clock, notices it's crunch-time.) Oh Jesus, I can't fail again. Please god, help me this one time.

Mike: It's okay, I've got some plays in my "motion" offense to deal with that. LeBron, catch the ball 30 feet away from the basket on the strong side, and hold it there. The defense will set up a double-team. When they do that, fire a skip pass to Z, who will be 20 feet away from the basket on the other side. When the defense rotates over to Z, he'll hand it to Eric Snow, who's been hiding behind Z-we'll take them by suprise. From there, he'll pump-fake and have a wide-open 22-footer with a hand in his face. Any questions?

Larry Hughes: I have a better play. When LeBron gets doubled, I'll stand 10 feet away from him at the 3-point line, pump-fake once, and get a contested 20-footer.

Mike: That is a great play.

LeBron: When was the last time you made that shot?

Larry: March 8, 2007.

Danny Ferry(wearing a T-shirt that says "I COULDN'T OFFER MICHAEL REDD OR RAY ALLEN MAX MONEY" on one side and "WE DID NOT HAVE THE ASSETS TO COMPLETE A SIGN-AND-TRADE FOR JOE JOHNSON"): Please, just sit down.

LeBron: Let's keep thinking.

Flip(chewing on own arm): If we use shooters to space the floor, it should give LeBron enough room to operate on a pick-and-roll and get to the hoop.

LeBron: That sounds good. Let's go out there with me, Donyell, Pavlovic, Boobie, and Andy.

Flip(pacing nervously): Wait...that's exactly who they'd EXPECT us to send out in this situation.

Mike: My thoughts exactly. Let's send out Zydrunas, Snow, Hughes, LeBron, and David Wesley. That's some good defense right there. God, I love defense. (Orgasmic Grimace)

Flip: When they get the ball, we should switch to zone. The zone is money. When I inherited the best defensive team in the NBA, I put in a lot of zone defenses. We might have given up more points, but they were the right kind of points-zone points. Also, we should put Marshall in to play defense on Duncan.

Mike: That makes no sense at all. I like it. How did you decide your rotations in Detroit?

Flip: Well, I gave Rasheed 35 minutes a game because he said he'd kill me. Chris Webber was our best scorer, so I didn't play him much. I put in Jason Maxiell a lot-he's only 6-7, but he can defend the paint because he's from Cincinatti. Lindsay Hunter has naked pictures of my wife and Larry Brown, so I give him crunch-time minutes. Chauncey is Mr. Big Shot, so I always play him in the clutch. Carlos Delfino is good, but he has stupid hair. That's why I couldn't take out Tayshaun all series, even though he may or may not have thrown the series. I play McDyess as much as I can, because he's slow. Flip Murray is a solid backup guard, so I don't play him. I'm the only Flip in this town. How dare he take my name? (sighs) My middle name is failure. (goes into fetal position)

Wesley(Coming from broadcast booth): I can defend Tony Parker. He likes to go to his right off a high screen, and I used to shut down Tiny Archibald. Holy christ, I am freaking ancient.

Flip: If I lose this game, my wife is going to make me sleep outside.

Damon Jones: You need shooters? Put Damon Jones in the game? Damon Jones will MAKE IT RAIN! Damon Jones should have won the 3-point contest. Damon Jones might not be in the top 10% in the NBA in 3-pointers made or 3-point percentage, and he might get more open looks than anyone in the league from 3, but that's because Damon Jones is TOO GOOD to make open 3s. But I can't be doin' that anymore. I play with my head. You see me psyche out Chris Webber that one time? He was gettin' ready to shoot a free throw, and Damon Jones put the routine on him, and it was like psychological warfare, like straight-up Hunt For Red October type-shit, and he was all like scared, but he made the free throw 'cause he was lucky, don't nobody make easy free throws when Damon Jones is in the house. Now I'm like a coach. A player-coach. Like Bill Russell up in here, 'cept I'm prettier and funnier. Damon Jones is the man. During halftime, I talked to that one guy from Entourage about gettin' a cameo, like Vince could be walkin' down the street, and I'd just drain a 3 from inside my Escalade, and Turtle would be like "Damn, it's Damon Jones, Player-Coach!", and then I'd go 1-on-1 with Eric, and I'd win, 'cause he's short, and then his girlfriend would be like "Damn, Damon Jones! You is hot!" That last part wouldn't even be in the script, but...(Dwayne Jones picks up Damon Jones, takes him outside of the huddle, and points him towards the water cooler. Damon continues to talk.)

LeBron: Anyways, here's what's going to happen. Andy, you're going to set a pick for me on the strong-side, and then roll hard to the bucket. If they double-trap, you're getting the pass. I NEED YOU TO ROLL HARD! (LeBron puts his finger in Andy's chest for emphasis, leading Andy to instinctively flop over the bench and into the 2nd row of the stands.) Donny, you'll be on the weak side. If I pass it to you, will you hit it?

Donny: Hellllll yes. Donny's always down for a blaze. Normally, I'd wait until the end of the game, or halftime, but I'm down for it during a timeout. Pollard hooked me up with some great stuff.

Drew Gooden: LeBron, more people are named James then are named LeBron. Your last name is more of a first name than your first name. Also, Sasha looks like a vampire.

Mike Brown(Breaks clipboard, puts on red pair of glasses to show anger, grimaces angrily): LISTEN UP! THE GAME IS ON THE LINE! TAKE THE GAME! We need a plan! Now, we can't just go out there, space the floor with shooters, and give the ball to LeBron!

Flip: (weeps softly)

LeBron: Wait, why don't we just do that?

(huddle breaks.)

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