Thursday, October 18, 2007

Hate the Patriots by Rooting For Them

Hey all, a couple of weeks ago I sent an e-mail to one of my favorite blogs, Kissing Suzy Kolber, and actually got it on the site, so I decided to push my luck with another e-mail. It didn't work out, so I've decided to post it here. Remember, it was for KSK, so it's distinctly more evil than what I put up here. Enjoy.

Dear KSK,

I've noticed that you, like most football fans with souls, have grown to hate the New England Patriots. I was pretty ambivalent towards them until this season, but now, thanks to my reaction to believe whatever you guys say and believe the opposite of what Bill Simmons says, I really hate them. Unfortunately, they don't seem to be planning on losing anytime soon. So now, as fans, we must think of a way to stop them. Your bounty on Tom Brady's knee was a good start, but I have a different strategy: Let Tom Brady stay healthy. Let the Patriots put up the best regular season since the '89 49ers. Let Simmons gloat. You know why? Because in the playoffs, when the pressure is on, they will lose.

First of all, I know it will work because it's a perfect reversal of fortune: after all, who did the Patriots beat to win the first Super Bowl of their dynasty? The ultra-stacked St. Louis Rams, who had the best quarterback in the league, the best running back in the league, a man who was at the time regarded as the best coach in the league, and a stacked wide receiver core. They weren't just beating teams, they were DEMOLISHING them. It was a foregone conclusion that they would win the Super Bowl. Remind you of anything?

The second reason I know my strategy would work is that it mimics the plans of all the best movie villains ever. Do good movie villains simply debilitate their enemies and cheaply destroy them when they're down? No. They wait for them to be at full-strength, so when they lose, they'll be completely crushed by knowing they gave it their all but still came up short. It didn't quite work out that way in James Bond, Karate Kid 3, or Sin City, but remember, those were heroes they tried to stop, not soulless football teams. When Tom Brady realizes he's not America's underdog hero anymore after he loses, he'll knock up Jennifer Connelly out of sheer misery.

Finally, think about what Simmons would say when his team chokes despite clearly being more talented. No more excuses, Bill. Your invincible duo sucked big time when it mattered most. Can you imagine the column where he tries to explain this while still clinging to what he believes so firmly? I'm sure you guys can do better than this, but here's my attempt: "I can't even believe what just happened. There's just no way to explain how Brady could have lost a big game to the Colts and Peyton Manning, unless you use something outside of my ridiculous theories about football that have led to me getting soundly defeated by my wife for the last two years. I mean, Manning has better career numbers, and the Patriots defense has some holes, but Peyton's not CLUTCH! There's no way this could have happened in 1983. Of course, I know what happened. The times have changed. We're in an era where touchdown dances and advertisements make having the ability to come up where it counts not matter anymore. Don't read that twice, because it doesn't make any fucking sense. I remember when Larry Bird was playing, he never missed an important shot, ever, because that arena didn't have a jumbotron. Now we have jumbotrons, and frauds like Peyton Manning can win two super bowl rings. Somewhere along that line, we lost our ability to be CLUTCH, and I think I know why; we got a black superstar. Not just black, but very black-hip-hop and everything. I'm not racist, really, but if black people were able to come through in big spots, why hasn't there been a black president yet? Again, I'm really not racist; I just like white athletes better than black ones. I have a solution: Trade Randy Moss for Kevin Robinson. It's so obvious, but 98% of GMs today just don't understand the unfounded crap I say as law week after week. I am way too smart to be a GM. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pleasure myself to old video of Kevin McHale making up-and-under moves."


Anonymous said...

haha...i hope bill simmons read this.


Anonymous said...

first the refs gave the the patsy's the game against the raiders in the so called "tuck rule" which never existed until that game. the raider fans will never forget, the patsy's love to forget,this game cost the raiders a trip to the superbowl.
it was a very bad non existing call that i have never seen in my 30 yrs. every true football fan knows it was Robbery.! don't ask the pat fans.

then the patsy's win 3 superbowls everytime by just "3" points.
I can accept a superbowl by a 3 point win. but 3 games by 3?
I thought it was a very weird and fishy. but the truth came out later.

during the 2007 season, bill belichick was busted recording n.y jet team plays. it was revealed he had been doing this for years.the NFL commisioner slaps
the TEAM with a draft-pick skip. the worthless commssioner should have fired belichick
or at suspended him least several games. when YOU are caught doing something illegal,immediate discplinary action is carried against the OFFENDER(belichick)
and if necessary the whole organization, team owner(kraft).
so nothing happend to bill belichick.he actually got away with this violation for years.!
and why? this should explains his "success".
50 touchdown passing record? how can you justify this when you are up 4 scores in the 4th quarter. and still throwing passess? if Dan
Marino would have done this he would have been the all-time touchdown passing quarterback. it shows what type of integrity tom bratty has. undefeated? yeah right, that ravens game was another robbery to justify this.

Sadly we live in a generation that is so consumed with media, money advertising,celebrity status. etc... the NFL wanted some headline news and they got. of course the old fashion way, cheating,stealing and lying.
todays sports are so corrupt. basketball had refs that were investigated for bad calls,they were suspended. baseball players have been investigated using illegal drugs. the NFL is no exception. it's another league with corruption.

bottom line,this team has STOLEN games and superbowls, lied to the public and they have kept on doing it. the pathetic part is the league overlooks it. how in the world do you find a man guilty of cheating for years, then honor him with "coach of the year"
award later? bill knows nothing about football. he is like the george bush of football
no brains and all front. which tells me his "hidden staff" is actually running the show.on top of this the pat fans come out on t.v. with mock cams on their heads as if go along with the cheating.(?)and if every team cheats also,then why aren't the other teams "undefeated" and winning superbowls? this is a team that is riddled with holes all over it. greatness? i would never include this scum suckin con ass team with real legends; steelers,49'ers and cowboys.
i mean what happend to the integrity and honor of the game man? you know what, it's gone.
welcome to the american football idol,50 cent,jackass,high school musical,jerry springer,
mtv cribs,biggest loser,mindfreak,bigbrother,kid nation( i can't believe this one),zoey 101 white rapper,joe schmo show and finally the Mr.bill and Britney spears Bonanza.

sic sic.. i remember when football was left alone,now they have mixed it with television entertainment. football is athletics. the arts are trained performances.
appearantly you can't tell the difference anymore.