Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Season Manifesto #2: Kobe Bryant!

Hello. I am Kobe Bryant. I will destroy you.

Our team is having a tough time right now. We have a talented young center, a great young playmaking guard, a quality veteran guard, a former all-star forward, a fantastic hustle forward, and a great glue guy in Luke Walton. However, all of them suck. Not one of them can score while I'm shooting the ball. Could I please get some help? I need a trade, but preferably to a great team that needs a guy to score 30 points per game for them, and wouldn't need to trade any good players in order to get me. Is that so hard? If I had some great players around me, then I'd be happy. Of course, I wouldn't want them to be too good, or I'd chase them out of town. Call up the Mavericks and trade me for Josh Howard and DeSagina Diop. Sure, we'd be worse as a team, but the important thing is that I'd be happy.

What I need is an efficient 20 ppg scorer who doesn't need to dominate the ball all the time to get his points, like that Caron Butler. Oh, right. I had him, and then his points and assists went up playing next to Gilbert Arenas, while I carried out the legacy of my idol by further destroying Kwame Brown's psyche.

Look, I'm a good teammate. I pass a good 4 or 5 times a game. When one of my teammates gets mad about me shooting too much or playing outside the system, I put my arm around them and talk to them like they're 12. I give young players advice on how to play within their limits while I shoot 30 times a game. I pretend to play really good defense for 10 minutes a game. Look at tonight-for 5 minutes near the end of the 1st quarter, I got right up in his grill and SHUT HIM DOWN before handing him off to Luke Walton and letting him score 30 points on 20 shots and 12 free throws. And whenever I sell out one of my teammates, I make sure not to do it to their face.

I'm stuck here in LA for now, and I've decided that the best way for us to grow as a young team is by shooting more. Tonight, I shot 32 times and shot 27 free throws, a full half of our team's shots. I made sure to lead the team in points, rebounds, assists, blocks, and steals. Giving Bynum touches in the low-post or letting Farmar run a pick-and-roll might seem to help them, but ultimately they'll best improve by watching me take on double-teams all night long. That's why I tell Phil to keep Bynum buried in favor of Turiaf and Kwame; not only have those guys learned not to shoot, but by destroying Bynum, I will further prove my genius over Jerry Buss by undermining the team completely. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go practice shooting fadeaways over triple-teams.*

*I did not mean any of what I just said. I love the Lakers, love my coach, and my only goal this year is to win a championship with my current team. Also, I support global warming research. And for you young people, I have nicknamed myself Black Mamba. I can do the Soulja Boy. These things are "swaggerous," as you say. Why don't more people like me?


Anonymous said...

a few thoughts:
1. kobe didn't drive shaq out of LA -- even shaq agrees. jerry buss refused to pay shaq the money he wanted. shaq got resentful and insulted jerry publically and got sent packing.
2. phil jackson said that kobe would shoot more. it was his idea not kobes.
3. if you are responsible for the offense as much as kobe is, and are 29 years old, you have to conserve your engergy on defense. nash is a two-time-mvp with minimal defense.
4. interviews of the team mates themselves, and not via biased sports writers, reveal that kobe is liked (sasha, luke, ronny).
5. he is an innocent man accused of a terrible crime. using his mug shot isn't the best taste.
6. bynum's production last year didn't increase with minutes. he is also soft; when his team mates stole his slippers he didn't go ape-sh*t, he instead wore sock to shower -- even though, aside from kwame, he could "squish them like a wallom".
7. funny post. nicely done. too bad for me i'm a big kobe fan.


Anonymous said...

wow! i just can't believe what i finished reading. this is the most biased, unjustified, ignorant, speculative, specious, and living-in-denial opinion i have ever read. no wonder you're at usc and not some academic university.

Anonymous said...

and just because you think your article is "clever" rhetoric doesn't necessarily justify its veracity.